As I said in my first blog post everything I type here is true and the more I realize that, the harder it is to finally accept this as a truth. Please understand that I’m only introducing Brandon to you in this way, because Brandon was first my best friend and then my lover when I was 17 until I was 21. I’m 23 now and in a completely new relationship, living a completely different life that I never would’ve even dreamed of.
I’m finally talking about this, because I want to be completely happy now and accepting this as a truth allows me to move on with a sense of closure. A sense of closure that quite frankly I never got and yes with every right I have…that pisses me the fuck off.I’m finally choosing to tell my story in a way that is freeing to my soul, something I’ve been craving perhaps. Writing/typing just seems like the best option for me right now since I’m traveling all over the world now.
Brandon’s sudden death still makes no sense to me. All I know is that his body was found with needle marks all over his legs and his ass. Some say the needles were still injected into his skin. I honestly don’t fucking know, and it kills me till this day. Brandon fell victim to drugs very young and very fast, but one thing I always knew for sure was that he hated Heroin.
When I first met Brandon I honestly felt attracted to him immediately. He had a white creamy looking complexion with big lost green eyes. His attitude about life was magnetic. He always seemed lost though and I was oddly into that. One major thing that no one ever really knew about Brandon was that he never got to meet his real dad, and the one and only person he considered his father was kidnapped when he was 15.
I still remember sometimes when Brandon got really drunk, he would begin to cry and say ” I just wanna die and see my dad again”. He never really talked about how that bothered him deep down, but I low-key knew it affected him. It affected him everyday because he was just numbing the pain with all types of prescription drugs, and loads of alcohol.
Even though Brandon was a year younger than me, he was very knowledgeable about the “drug world”. It didn’t take long for me to become addicted to that lifestyle, because it was something about Brandon and how he never thought what he was doing was unhealthy. He grew up accustomed to that lifestyle that it just seemed normal to him and honestly he was a completely highly functional addict that you would’ve never noticed.
Brandon had been taking Ritalin since he was 6 years old, because that is the age he was first diagnosed with ADHD. I still remember seeing his grandma come into his room to give him his daily dose. A routine she’d been doing religiously since he was 18. You do the math. I think back to all of this, and I seriously wish I knew what I know now. (“The drug should be stopped gradually. Withdrawal symptoms are psychological and stopping suddenly can cause extreme fatigue and severe, even suicidal, depression in adult patients.”)
It all kind of makes sense to me now. I never thought he’d ever be addicted to Heroin, but when he stopped taking Ritalin out of the blue one day that’s when he grew more curious about other drugs like cocaine and well fucking Heroin. I believe in his last days of his life he experimented with it, because:
A study supported by the National Institute on Drug Abuse found that users of Ritalin and similar drugs “showed the highest percentage of cocaine abuse.”
Because a tolerance builds up, abuse of Ritalin can lead users to consume stronger drugs to achieve the same high. When the effects start to wear off, the person may turn to more potent drugs to rid himself of the unwanted conditions that prompted him to abuse the drug in the first place.
Ritalin itself does not lead the person to other drugs: people take drugs to get rid of unwanted situations or feelings. The drug masks the problem for a time (while the user is high). When the “high” fades, the problem, unwanted condition or situation returns more intensely than before. The user may then turn to stronger drugs since Ritalin no longer “works.”
A study of 500 students over a period of twenty years found those who used Ritalin and related drugs had a greater likelihood of using cocaine and other stimulants later in life.
According to a study, teens who abuse prescription drugs are twelve times likelier to use heroin, fifteen times likelier to use Ecstasy and twenty times likelier to use cocaine, compared to teens who do not abuse such drugs.
It fucks me up just reading that. The truth fucking hurts. Facing the facts has always been my weakness. “Ignorance is bliss” was something that rang true to me for the longest time but it’s time to wake up, because Brandon is actually gone. I can’t help but try to blame it on something like “Ritalin”, because I’m tired of blaming myself for his death. It’s such a depressing thought.
Brandon and I lived together since we were 17 and not once did he ever do Heroin and never would I have allowed it, but we sure did everything else. Sadly we ended up becoming addicted to the lamest drug ever. Synthetic marijuana AKA K2 or Spice, and honestly that is the most poisonous drug you could ever introduce to your lungs, and just so fucking disgusting when I think back on it.
We were both toxic addicts by the age of 20. Brandon and I were already having so many problems at the time that losing my son to the state of Texas was my first wake up call and I almost killed myself over it and well Brandon pretty much did. He killed what was left of himself, because that was the year I decided I was tired of popping bars, smoking spice and drinking myself to sleep. I finally left him and moved to Idaho to sober the fuck up. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my entire life because I loved that boy deeply. If only I knew what wouldve happened to him when I left him back in Texas.
My brain and heart hurt. To be continued…..